Okay, so it's your first, and possibly only, trip to China and you are a single (or thinking single) person who isn't adverse to relationships with people of the opposite sex during your stay. You realize that while you may learn a little Chinese, you will be working in an English speaking sub-world and everyone should be speaking the same language, right? Unfortunately, life is not as simple as all that. Relationships differ greatly between our cultures because while we may be speaking the same language, our cultural understanding of that language is quite different. Take flirting for instance. In English, we realize that it is something we all do whether consciously or not and that it is a natural part of how we interact with each other. Touching your hair or face when we meet someone of the opposite sex who attracts us are quite common forms of unconscious flirting and the Chinese do this as well. It is our understanding of the word, flirting, that differs so greatly from culture to culture. Even married adults often have trouble talking about this subject within a closed class full of classmates whom they know well. This is because to the Chinese, flirting takes on the connotation of something we do quite consciously to procure sex. And the Chinese do not like to speak of their private lives so publicly.
In fact, their lives are not so different from ours; it's just that this aspect of it is far more private than we keep it. As Westerners, we are far more open in our dealings with the opposite sex than the Chinese are comfortable with. Public displays of affection like walking hand-in-hand or a little public kiss are quite ordinary for us, but quite frowned upon by the Chinese. And of course, many of us misunderstand their public shows of affection for friends of the same sex. It is quite common here to see same-sex friends walk down the street hand-in-hand or even in what looks to be an even much more intimate embrace. In many ways, this is a very European aspect. In my Canadian eyes, I first perceived this to be a homosexual act, but now I realize that public displays of friendship are quite the norm here.

What are some of the cultural misconceptions we share?
Let's look at the differences between boys and men and girls and women. When I think of a young woman, I think of someone who has passed puberty and is beginning to act in an adult manner, ditto for young men. Of course, our perception of what is an adult manner differs from person to person, but I think this is a fairly common Western perception. But when I accuse the college age kids I worked with, of being young men and women, they most vociferously denied it, saying they were boys and girls. This is because, to the Chinese, a boy does not become a man until either he marries or passes the age of thirty, ditto for the girls. My work around for this matter was to tell them that they were all ladies and gentlemen until they proved to me otherwise. Of course, I also defined a gentleman as any male with good manners and any lady as a female with good manners and this allowed me the framework to treat them as adults in adult terms that I was more familiar with.

What about dating?
Well, to the Chinese, only a husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend date. This is because the Chinese consider dating to be a big romantic affair only to be done between married folks or folks that are about to get married. In fact, they consider it to be a much more formalized affair than the connotation we give it. And the concept “going out together” has no real connotation either. Now if you were reading this paragraph closely, you would have noticed that I said that a boyfriend and girlfriend are folks that are about to get married. In fact, this is one of the misconceptions between cultures that most Westerners seem to have the most trouble understanding. Look at the following chart of how a normal relationships progress in the west and China:

West: Just Friends --> Boyfriend/girlfriend --> Fiance --> Married

China: Just friends --> Boyfriend/girlfriend --> Married

It looks as if the Chinese skipped a step, doesn't it? They seem (from the chart) to get really serious about each other in one really big step and the next thing you know, they're married. In reality though, their relationships progress much the same as ours do, it's just that the terminology is a little different. To put everything in the right perspective, let's look at that chart again, but this time let's add a little-mentioned step that the Chinese do use but rarely talk about: West : Just friends --> Boyfriend/girlfriend --> Fiancé/fiancée --> Married

China: Just friends --> Special friends --> Boyfriend/girlfriend --> Married

Our idea of just friends corresponds quite nicely with their definition, that is, we like each other but we still see other folks and there is nothing really special happening between us. By the time we, in the West, have formed a boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement, the Chinese are calling each other “special friends”, that is, we have chosen someone that we like to see more than others and we see each other fairly exclusively by choice, but we haven't chosen to formalize the agreement. Then that special event happens, someone “pops the question”, and we agree that we wish to be married to each other for eternity, but the happy event hasn't happened yet. At this point in the West we would be fiancé/fiancée but in China we become boyfriend and girlfriend. This is where the really big confusion comes in. As Westerners, we tend to think in Western terms, while the Chinese are thinking within their own concepts. Then when these relationships break down, for whatever reason, fingers get pointed and hearts get broken, all for a misunderstanding in concepts.

Some other considerations
Most of us Westerners are obviously Westerners, that is, we don't look Chinese and therefore, we tend to stand out. Whether or not we choose to, we look different, act differently, have different mannerisms and habits and, generally, we think differently. Many times because of this, people of both sexes will be attracted to us for various reasons. There are some people who are ”foreigner groupies” for lack of a better word. They latch onto us and want to become our friends and special friends. Some will want to use us to teach English for them (and make more money for them), others because having a foreign friend gives them added status within their own personal community, and others (especially of the opposite sex) may latch onto us for their own far more personal requirements. This is not to say that you won't make genuine friends here -- the Chinese are very outgoing and friendly and making new friends will be the least of your worries. Now, speaking from my own personal experience, many of my friends and family in Canada are convinced that the average Chinese person is desperate to get out of China and will do almost anything to get into Canada or the United States. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most Chinese I have met love their country and want to live here for the rest of their lives. That's not to say that you won't meet someone who only wants to marry you to get out of the country, but these are isolated incidences. Usually these are people who have several misconceptions about our immigration laws and what to expect in the West. Many Chinese do mistakenly perceive all Westerners to be rich. Some Westerners may choose to pursue romantic entanglements with the Chinese, but if you do, you should be aware of the consequences of your actions. A Western girl seen out on the arm of a Chinese guy will be seen as a “trophy” by most other Chinese, especially the males. In fact, Western girls may find themselves pursued by many Chinese males who just want a “trophy” of their own just for bragging rights. This is not to say that all Chinese males will act accordingly, but it is a predominant theme, especially in Northern China. However, in many places in China, a Chinese girl seen out on the arm of a Western male will be seen as a slut or whore by other Chinese. Walking hand-in-hand with a Chinese girl can be a traumatic experience for the girl, so make sure you keep all shows of affection private and out of the public eye. Something else that many males coming to China do not realize is that any female Chinese choosing to date a western male is also choosing to give up her life as she knows it for the sake of that male. If you are not serious about that girl, leave her alone or she will become a pariah within her own community. Many Chinese girls having once dated a Westerner (whether or not sex was involved) may have to move far from their home if they ever wish to marry as no Chinese male who knows of this history will go near her again. You might think it is fun to go out with that girl, but you could be destroying her life forever if you aren't serious in your intentions. Some Chinese have gone to the extent of telling the foreigners that it is illegal to date Chinese girls (Note: nothing is said about Chinese boys) and while it is definitely frowned upon it is not illegal. This is a fallacy created by some to keep the westerners hands and eyes on their own kind. Some use this fallacy to run schemes and scams against the foreigners in some cities (sometimes in league with some members of the local police force), but there is no actual law forbidding contact. So what do I advocate? I'm sorry, my purpose here is not to tell you how to run your affairs but only to inform you so that you can make wiser decisions. I have seen a number of foreigners coming to Daqing and Harbin and making these or similar mistakes with consequences that affect us all. Certainly, I do advocate that you let good ethics and morals be your ultimate guide in these matters, but it is better to make informed decisions than uninformed ones that can hurt any group of people.